church dating

My friend John calls it "beging a church jigalo," which I think has a catchier ring to it. The concept is this: finding a church is not at all like going shopping. Yet, people use the term,"church shopping," as if finding community is as simple as searching for a pair of slacks at Old Navy. (I might be the only guy under seventy to use the term "slacks.")

In many respects, each church has a particular personality, a certain ethos that pervades every aspect of the community. Attempting to discover that ethos is not unlike going on a first date. Like a first date, people put on pretentions and smile too much and attempt to figure out if it's a good match. My wife comments to me after visiting one place, "Do we fill out the card and let them know our number? Or might that church be like the creepy guy who keeps calling even when you are not interested?"

My wife and I found ourselves in the position of church dating after our former church stole our community. Someone else explained it adequately, that TNL had been like the beautiful woman that we slowly fall in love with and then, out of nowhere, she is kidnapped and dies a slow, painful death. It's not surprising that we approach visiting churches with a certain sense of fear and insecurity.

Every place we go ends up resembling a real person. There's the lutheran church that's nice and friendly, but afterward we think, "I just went on a date with Mr. Rogers." Indeed, the whole church atmosphere could be summed up in one word: cardigan.

Then there's the megachurch we visit. It's like the country club girl who does cheerleading and sports, not out of interest, but because the main line is popularity. This is like the girl who is so in love with herself that she'll befriend the Magic Card Kids, just so they'll vote for her as a homecoming queen. And just like student council, people ride around with the churches name tatooed on the bumpers of their SUVs.

After visiting this church, I almost thought about Paris Hilton. I imagine that, if I were to go on a date with Paris (which I wouldn't becuase I'm married), all I could think about is the money and the fame and the thought, "I can't believe it. I'm with Paris Hilton." And at the same time, I imagine that all Paris would think about is the money and the fame and she'd probably be thinking to herself, "I can't believe it. I'm Paris Hilton."

We visit a place that resembles a jock. It's fun and entertaining, filled with sports metaphors and softball leagues. The atmosphere is a bit showy, but there is the hint of the intellectual. I start to think maybe dating a jock isn't so bad. Until they pass around a petition to get people to ban gay marriage and they turn the whole issue into this ugly war metaphor.

The small Baptist church is like the slightly socially awkward, unnatractive girl who carries her books in a roller cart. It's the kind where she's a little too eager to know our contact information and members from the church will stop by with cookies if we tell them we enjoyed the service. It's a little needy and we leave feeling bad that the church will never get a second date.

There's the old-school, wealthy liberal date - the Back East, Harvard grad church where they try so hard to be in touch with social issues, but you get a sense they think "poor" is having to fire a nanny. There's the American Idol contestant church, where I get the feeling that it's all a big performance, as if they want to be like the megachurch. Then there's the older church, stuck in nostalgia. This date resembles a conversation with a guy who wants to share about the glory days of his high school football career, and so he lives out his existence trying to regain what he lost. There is the terminally ill church that dies on us not long after we date it for a few months.

One of my favorites is the church that is almost like the girl who goes out of the way to be indie. You know the type; the one who boycotts every major chain and who gets tribal tattoos (even though she's never been in a tribe) and who listens to Celtic chants. Yet, you know that it's all an act, just to be different, because different is trendy. The pastor works really hard at being "relevant," meaning he adds an emphasis on anything remotely new. "So I take out my iPod as I'm reading a blog and it makes me think of this wise thing I heard from Deepak Chopra and I thought about how it connects to postmodernism and what I want this community to be."

So, we ended up at a church that we first visited. If I had to describe the church, it's like dating the nice girl who is overlooked way too often, but is actually really attractive. Except, she's a little shy and hard to get to know at first. But once she trusts you, she would do anything to remind you that you are loved.